walking kiwi

top 10 albums of 2008!

its hard to choose these, because sometimes i wear out albums that come out earlier in the year (fleet foxes and i have a bingey relationship) and discover some later on that kind of affect how i feel in december...but trying to be relfective of my musical listening patterns over the last 12 months, i present my top 10. in no order.

-blitzen trapper: furr
-mgmt: oracular spectacular
-nada surf: lucky
-wallpaper: on the chewing gum ground
-grand archives
-throw me the statue: moonbeams
-kay kay and his weathered underground
-of montreal: skeletal lamping
-why?: alopecia
-someone still loves you, boris yeltsin: perishing

ep's:
-passion pit: chunk of change
-fleet foxes: sun giant

my dethawing of emotion!

at least its something, you know, evidence of soul, but happiness and saddness (the pure versions) are really close to each other. they don't really overlap, but they are shoulder to shoulder so if one detail enters your sight, you may be at the other in a wink. like being happy for someone...is really just saddness for yourself. i don't think you, or i, can really have any emotion strictly outside our own realm of feelings. you can't just feel for someone, you feel for someone because it is of something to you.

i'm happy because you may have something, or you had what i want, but i still want it too, and i don't have it. so good for you, because i love you, but that does make me sad, for myself."

this is off of the point i was trying to make, but spiritually, maybe thats just what jesus did or something. or maybe him or others like him just had something to do with everyone in the world. thats how they cared for others, because everyone was of something to them. like everyone was of same value, all-encompassing connection to all individuals, so that since he was one of them and they were one of him, everything that happened to each affected the whole, so as a whole what happened to an individual did affect you as an individual, you were not confined to only emotion towards others because that is impossible anyway. because he was one of them they were one with him, so what happened to them happened to him and through his own personal emotions he could feel for his brethren. whoa, thats the meaning of unity. okay, i got it.

what i did in english last period on friday.

Name: Edna Sylvia Hagred

Period: 5

The Hero’s Adventure Continued

Please answer the following questions in complete sentences. Each answer only requires a 1-2 sentence answer.

1. How does Campbell explain the difference between fairy tales and myths?

Pooping and dying everywhere and then killing everyone with big water guns filled with acid that will make people dissolve and die and shit their pants.

2. What, according to Campbell, are the two emotions that motivate life? And how do they relate to one another?

Death and hatred. Death is not an emotion but it is related to hatred. They are the only motivations in life besides eating dairy products for survival which is definatley a motivation for life. They are all violent.

3. What does Campbell say is the difference between mythology and theology?

Mythology is lying and theology is lying even harder.

4. What shape, according to Plato, is the soul? Why?

Play-Doh can assume any shape, especially when in a soulful manner.

5. What causes our most troublesome psychological problems?

Happiness and hope of God. God makes us believe in things like Santa and magical mushrooms that really don’t give us happy effects after all. Our most troublesome problems of the mind is basically lying to our poor, weak selves.

6. What is the mythological significance of the belly?

Its where babies are made. Babies are mythical creatures. Obviously, significant.

7. Moyers acknowledges that regarding the watery unconscious (p47), “I can hear someone saying, “Well, that’s all well and good for the imagination of aGeorge Lucas or for the scholarship of a Joseph Campbell, but that isn’t what happens in my life.”” Is that how you, too, react, or does these ideas resonate with you on a deeper level?

I don’t have a deeper level, but some people might say that George Lucas is a good actor and should stay in the sitcom variety forever. I don’t react to such things because I don’t have a TV with any channels except 4 and my TV will no longer work on a couple months thanks to our dictator.

8. Campbell responds to Moyer’s question about how to slay our inner dragon with the answer: “Follow your bliss” (148). What does that mean? What is that for you, and will it be a risk if you do so?

I would never slay my inner dragon! It is what gives me my fighting power and superior fire breathing ability. I do not have bliss, but I do have dragon eggs floating somewhere around my esophagus ready to be hatched to become powerful fighting creatures.

9. Briefly describe the three transformations of the spirit.

a. When one of the dragon eggs in your esophagus hatches into a powerful fighting creature, you must keep it inside and pickle it with your stomach juice, making it forever dependent to your spirit until you die. This transforms your meek human spirit into a fighting carnivorous masterpiece of victory.

b. Being hit by a water gun filled with acid that will make everyone dissolve and shit their pants. It will make you want to die yourself, even if you are the water gun sniper. The stenches are also unfavorable.

c. Spirit may be transformed when one figures out that spirit does not exist within you, it is actually the incarnation of creatures such as Casper and the Marley Brothers that come back to haunt the earth until you decide to kill them, which, of course, is an impossible physical task due to ghost’s lack of flesh to cut or dissolve, so spirit is not transformed ever, it will always follow you around like a ball and chain that only your inner dragon must burn and destroy.

favorite song ever

dont think twice its alright

goodbye

I AM HEARTSICK OVER THE LOSS OF OUR PIANO. I AM HEARTSICK OVER THE LOSS OF OUR PIANO. I AM HEARTSICK OVER THE LOSS OF OUR PIANO. I AM HEARTSICK OVER THE LOSS OF OUR PIANO. I AM HEARTSICK OVER THE LOSS OF OUR PIANO. I AM HEARTSICK OVER THE LOSS OF OUR PIANO. I AM HEARTSICK OVER THE LOSS OF OUR PIANO. I AM HEARTSICK OVER THE LOSS OF OUR PIANO. I AM HEARTSICK OVER THE LOSS OF OUR PIANO.

it is a century old black grand piano that i learned to play music on. listening to plastic ono band makes me want to play it. it hasn't fit in our last few houses and i've missed it. i will never get to see it again. i was planning on having it in my first house. i am losing a member of my family. i am heartsick. i want it to stay.

i am new again

these are things i keep hidden in my belly, i can't see them but they control my life. for a moment you could see right through me, see right through me
you could take it in stride or you can take it right between the eyes.
its a good day to take the hard things.



i drowned myself in tears, literally to the point when i couldn't breathe. i am no longer numb. but i am still alone.

what you never know is that what you think is the worst at the time is the best you'll ever feel.

dylan

dylan
Originally uploaded by chona kasinger

at a protest with a stick

what do we want? when do we want it?

equal rights! now!

adrian brody! tonight in my bed!

lunch! high noon!

stick! stick!

ukelele! boy!

repentence! judgement day!

i'm only poisoning you, not going to stab you

house number numerology
excluding KC house, 92-97, because i was obv too young, and this only includes the houses.

a. 97-00?: 1426
b. 00?-02: 2019
c. 03-05: 2416
d. 04-05: 416
e. 06: 3832
f. 06-now: 1422



a. #4 -
An excellent home to settle in.
Expect to live here for a long time; you may even have inherited it in the first place.
Traditional styles and furniture will suit this property.
The upkeep of the property is important so make sure that any work done is 'above board' and carried out to completion.

b. #3 -
A lovely number to have for creating a happy household.
There will be much fun and laughter.
Communication will flow easily between everyone.
The only word of warning is to be aware of over-friendly/ interfering neighbours.

c. #4 - see a

d. #2 -
This is a good place for females.
If male, look out for deception from females and/or don't deceive a female as you'll definitely be found out here!
If the occupants of this house live positively, then this house number bodes well for relationships.

e. #7 -
This is an ideal home to work from.
A lot of studying and decision-making will go on within these four walls.
Projects will eventually be completed but not as quickly or in the way you expected them to.

f. #9 -
This property would be best split into flats rather than be used as a family home.
If it is a family home then the occupants will find themselves spending a lot of time in separate rooms from each other.
It is a good property for a female to work from home from.

kidding me?

me: "im going to hang up if all you're going to do is sit on the other line and have silent pauses, i have things to do"
mother: "are you going to work on your graphic design work then?"
me: "no i'm going to finish my more important art project that i was working on before you interrupted by calling me"
mother: "so you think school art is more important than making money?"
me: "SERIOUSLY? no shit!"
mom: "then you better find another job because i can't buy you anything."
me: "I HAVE A JOB WTF!"

what the fuck. actually, WHAT the FUCK. believe me, you don't want to be me.

SCREAM

WHERE THE FUCK DID SUMMER GO!

"church"/spiritual weekly gathering or whatever

i get as much spiritual enrichment from going to church on sundays as i do from brushing my teeth. thats not to dis church, i just think a lot when i brush my teeth.

i've never felt so restless.

theres possibility everywhere and i feel like in one part its just down the street but in another part theres this wall of 2 years put up for me to go through until i can finally, finally, finally, finally, finally, finally go. leaving is hard but going will be the best, best feeling in the world. i want to create things for 6 hours in a studio. thats all i want. that is all i want in my life and so far, all i need.


i can't believe how hard my mom is working to keep us from not surviving the last few months/years. so amazing. its almost over. almost over. no worries. now i just know how to take care of myself when i need to.


jesus was so cool. i wish that people would realize that in a safe way. christianity is insane.


if i could draw a diagram of my mind right now, 20% of me would be stuck at age 13 and the rest is floating around in spiritual realms as a light orb in some labrynth somewhere. figuring stuff out.


I WANT TO GO WHERE PEOPLE SHARE. I WANT TO GO MAKE THINGS.

feeling nostalgic

towards the times when i wasn't too busy to notice my real problems. so i'm going to go watch a film that makes me notice. i used to do that a lot when i was younger and be really into music and movies that made me feel bad like i should. like watching thumbsucker or listening to somber indie rock. you know what i'm talking about. so i'm going to go do that now, because i have reason. but i will just say that i am a part of a living soap opera.

i'm lightheaded

there is SO MUCH TO DO IN THIS WORLD! so many things are out there for me to participate in and i can't wait to do it! i need to go to school, i need to get out of high school and dig deep into what i actually have to do and that is DESIGN THE FUTURE!

i am going to CHANGE THE WORLD!
my head is spinning so fast i'm about to break my neck. i just want to design and help and create and just make everything BETTER...thats my purpose in life! to a buddhist i'm a grasper, i see something and see how it can be better. i'm literally busting at my mental and emotional seams right now, i just don't want to be repressed by high school any longer! i need to go somewhere where i can just create as my work. not as my side job. i dont want to do it for money right now, i just want to start building something...except i need the money, so thats another restraint. but i will find the people that need my services most, i will help them gain ground in this world by visually communicaiting their cause and give them the tools to do what they have to do!

i am so inspired right now i am literally shivering. i have never felt this purposeful in my life.

you try

having your mom rely on your income
try it sometime

birthday horoscopes!

Today's birthday (Aug. 24). You'll be asked to assume more responsibilities this year. Luckily, you can do this. You're extra smart and charming and you have self-discipline. Use it when necessary.


IF AUGUST 24 IS YOUR BIRTHDAY: You might feel like Superman in the upcoming year, as Pluto dances in tune to your part of the zodiac. Between now and the end of January, you might want to pursue business or career ambitions or sink your teeth into an important new project. Success is ensured, especially in early January, because you will follow through on anything you start. In addition, you are likely to have the help from others or the opportunities needed to go just a bit further than expected.

When a Quarter Moon occurs in your Return chart, as it does this year, you are at some sort of a turning point in your life, in terms of personal growth. Events that occur this year act as catalysts that get you in touch with some important issues in your emotional life. Your emotions run high, and mood swings or identity crises are possible. There may be some kind of conflict in your life arising from a great urge to do something different. It promises to be a busy, dynamic, and significant period in your life.

Pluto is transiting trine your Sun this year, and your attitude towards life is changing. What used to satisfy you may not continue to do so, particularly if your goals have been superficial or a poor reflection of your inner desires. You are no longer willing to make compromises in the important areas of your life, particularly with regards to career and your life path. You are more determined this year, and it’s an excellent time for getting rid of bad habits. This is a year in which to get your life back on track, as you have the willpower to do so. Others are bound to recognize your leadership skills and talents, or, at the very least, your potential. You want your life path and your objectives to reflect what you’re really about. You benefit from being more decisive than usual, and your ability to concentrate and focus help you to achieve what you set out to do. A new project or goal begun this year has a good chance of being successful and long-lasting.

Mercury is conjunct Venus, and both are opposing Uranus. This combination helps you to think more creatively this year. You are especially clever and have a good sense of humor. You succeed in areas that require spontaneity and the ability to quickly solve problems or come up with creative ideas. Still, you could have problems with focusing on important details. Your senses are stimulated, and you could have sudden flashes of insight or fresh new ideas. You may be a little scatter-brained, and you could find it challenging to deal with routine matters or monotonous tasks. Learning new things is your passion this year--not recycling old ideas or performing repetitive processes. Some disruptions in your friendships and attachments are possible with Venus in hard aspect to Uranus. Unusual attractions (to people and things) can have you acting on a whim. You may deal with freedom versus closeness issues in your relationships. This Uranian energy may play out on other levels related to socializing, spending, and pleasure. For example, vacation plans may go awry or agreements could be broken. Impulsive spending is something to watch for.

Whirlwind changes in your love life and/or financial state are likely this year. It may be that you experience sudden changes or breakups with a friend or lover. However, the chance of a sudden new friendship is just as likely. At the root of this is a stronger taste for the unusual. What is familiar is less exciting to you than what is new and different. If a relationship seems to threaten your sense of freedom, you may have an easy time separating from it. Some fireworks in both your social and financial lives are to be expected.

Jupiter harmonizes with Saturn at the time of your birthday this year, suggesting a period of constructive accomplishment. In general, you are practical, realistic, and your judgment is especially sound--and you derive much satisfaction from practical accomplishment. The key to harnessing this wonderful energy is to identify and find pleasure in the simple things that make you happy. A nice balance between optimism and practicality is with you this year.

Your leadership skills are potent in the year ahead! You display more self-confidence when it comes to achieving your goals and going after what you want. Figuring strongly this year are new developments in, and new attitudes towards, love matters, finances, and social relationships. Occasional willfulness and emotionally-driven decision-making could be your downfall, however, if you succumb to these feelings. Also, effecting change only for the sake of change is not advised. Revamping and improving should be the focus. New friendships, or new spins on established connections, are in your forecast.


2008 is a Number Six year for you. Ruled by Venus. This is a year of relative contentment. It is a time when love is the easiest to attract, and partnerships formed under this vibration have a better chance for longevity. You are able to attract others, and material things as well, this year. This is a good year for establishing harmony in the family and in the home. Advice - develop existing relationships, be positive and receptive because these kinds of energies help you to attract what you desire.

2009 will be a Number Seven year for you. Ruled by Neptune. This is a year of preparation, chance, and refinement. It is not a time of dramatic changes. Instead, it's a year when reflection on the past is helpful, and when refinements to your life path should be made. It's a good year to study and analyze. Unexpected twists to your life story and "chance" meetings are probable. Advice - take stock of your life in order to prepare for more exciting years to come, examine the past and plan for the future, get in touch with your deepest needs and uncover your personal power, don't strain yourself or actively try to expand.

NADAL STOLE MY FACE!

i want to fuuuck you, you already know

a year ago this time...

i was so frcking happy!
i want my father to move to walla walla PLEASE god anything!

first things first manifesto

http://www.xs4all.nl/~maxb/ftf1964.htm




We do not advocate the abolition of high pressure consumer advertising: this is not feasible. Nor do we want to take any of the fun out of life. But we are proposing a reversal of priorities in favour of the more useful and more lasting forms of communication.

a day like this,

post taking pup to park escapade and talking about dream residencies, deserve brownies, mint iced tea, bright orange tops and the byrds.

i am getting amped for the peak of summer that is capitol hill block party.
1 week!
i will see you there.

i'm still trying to keep my promise i made on sunday that

I AM VIP AND NEVER GOING BACK!

hmm actually scratch that

i only had one of my favorites on my personal computer, the rest are on the server at school. maybe in the future i will have the persistence to type up old stories again. stay tuned, i guess.

"george & lincoln"

He could almost hear Lincoln scuffling over from an acre’s length away, grumbling under his breath and kicking his brown field shoes in the dust. He could sense him coming to disturb his peace, just like he had apparently disturbed Lincoln’s. He was sitting on his porch reading a dusty book with muddy coffee, a typical morning event. In his quiet he could hear those brown field shoes, the unsubtle mumbling and now, as he was turning around the bend near their property boundaries, he could see him doing these things. He now could also see him deliberately walking straight into his near-budding pea patches, walking right on them like dirt without seeds. The grumbling got increasingly louder like a siren from an antique firetruck. As Lincoln approached the front porch, George wearily looked up over his eyeglasses at the pathetic and dusty man.
“George, George, now,” Lincoln mustered out of shortness of breath, “George, I’ve come over here to talk to you about a little something. You know, I’ve been tellin’ ya that…”
“Hello, Lincoln, fine morning. How’s it going?”
“Well, its, its fine, just fine, but I gotta tell ya, when’re you ever gonna learn that those dogs of yours…”
“Oh, boy, have they been bothering your property? I try and tell’em not to trespass but not much of the time they listen to me. You want a cup of coffee, Lincoln?”
“No, no, I don’t think I want any of that, no but I’m going to tell ya, that you know I’ve just been planting my corn here recent, and it’s the first time I’ve tried to plant corn? You might well know that their prices go up real high, so I figure grow my own. You know, you and me, we got all this acreage and we better use it as farmers, right?”
“You’re absolutely right, Link. That sounds like a neat idea to me.”
“Well your dogs, they don’t think that thing at all. In fact I don’t think they even think-a one thing in their noggins at all Joe, because they stomp and piss all over my corn like they’re some sort of weeds, Joe, and I don’t appreciate that one bit, and Joe…”
“Well I am truly sorry about that, Link.”
“Well, well yeah! I mean, their growth is stunted and all by this point, I don’t know if I’ll have th’amount I predicted when I planted ‘em!”
“I feel you there, Link, here, you wanna come inside and I’ll get you a cup of coffee?”
“Yeah, yeah okay, we’ll see our chat up in there.”
George led a riled-up Lincoln into his cottage, all the while wondering where Lincoln got Joe out of George. He poured him a full cup of coffee in a clay mug and asked,
“So, what do you think about my new furniture set? I finished ‘em just last month, I’d been working on them since I chopped down the spruces last spring. Fine set of table and chairs, don’t you think?”
“Oh yeah, yeah they sure are fine indeed. Ginny would love these a lot, she’d tell me, ‘Why don’t you make these yourself too?’” Lincoln chuckled. George again pondered where he got Ginny out of his wife’s name, Gemima.
“Well Lincoln, you’re wife’s got fine taste,” George smiled, “Especially her cornbread that she made for the neighborhood potluck? It was one of the best I’d ever had.”
“Well, well that’s nice-a you to say, Joe, but you know that brings me, that corn don’t come cheap these days, and,”
George was disappointed with the redirection of topic. “You’re right about that one, Lincoln. You got enough coffee there?”
“Yeah, I’m just fine Joe, but I do gotta tell ya, those dogs are lawless, I don’t know what you’re tellin’ ‘em, but they sure don’t wanna listen. And it ruins my crop, Joe, what am I gonna do when you’re dogs ruin my crop? I’m just supposed to tell ‘em to scram every time I see them diggin’ up my corn patches? They don’t listen, maybe it’s their breed, they don’t got right hearing, but…”
“You know, Link, they’re shepherds, they’re very good listening dogs. They just can’t stop their need to dig and piss and find something nice to bury their finds in.”
“Joe, Joe, they’re dogs! You train ‘em to stop doing that so you’re neighbors don’t gotta worry every day if they’re corn is gonna be gone! They’re worse than them crows, cos they get ‘em from the roots!”
“You have a scarecrow, Lincoln? I hear they can help with the corn problems.”
“Joe, I got me a scarecrow but it won’t scare no dogs away. The only scaredog I got is the belt I got on right now.”
“Oh, Link, you wouldn’t hurt my animals.”
“Joe, they don’t got no respect for my property. They got none for my corn. They stomp all over it thinkin’ its just dirt for them to stick their snouts in.”
“Lincoln, you’re talking now about respecting the property…”
“Damn right I am!”
“Link, then you go stomping all over my pea plants. What’s that about, Lincoln?”
“What? Joe what are you gone on talkin’ about? I don’t step on anything but dirt I see. The dirt and the grass!”
“Well I suppose you just didn’t see my pea plants. They weren’t marked at all. Maybe you see just like my dogs. You see the dirt and I see the seeds.” George looked out the window and smiled to see two of his four shepherds running by the grassed acre behind his house. “You know I think we all got respect for our lands, sometimes we just don’t know.”
“Oh, get back, Joe. You’ve always got the wise things to say, but I’m gonna tell ya that I don’t wanna see them dogs on my corn again. My property, for all that matter.” Lincoln’s demeanor had settled into subtle humility, while trying to remain some sort of domination in the case.
“I’ll try to make sure you’re corn plants stay safely rooted, Link.”
“Well I appreciate that, even if those damn dogs are like your children. You ain’t got no wife or kids, and I only got the wife and no kids, so I think I got the better end of the deal, don’t ya? I only gotta deal with the wife, the easier one, and you got kids times four, and no wife to see ‘em. No wonder they wonder into my patches.”
“Ah, Lincoln, I suppose you’re right. Maybe one day I’ll prefer something else than being daddy to four rascals but for now, it’s alright with me,” George got up from his stool and started to show Lincoln to the door. “You know, Link, I gotta say that I really do appreciate how good neighbors we are to each other. We’re allowed to say things to each other, we work together, don’t you agree?”
“Well, yeah I think it’s great too, Joe, I’m sure glad it’s you and not some dope-smokin’ hippie and brothers like they’ve been getting up north in the valley. Movin’ in with all the civilians and wreckin’ up the local economies is what it is. Lawless.”
George opened the front screen door for Lincoln and closed it gently after him. As Lincoln, with a calmer step than he arrived with, walked his two brown field shoes back to his home, wife, and corn patches, George looked out from the steps of his porch. He could see his other two dogs roughhousing each other in the corn patches while the two previously out in the field joined them and started to dig. Smiling, he picked up his book from the porch bench, carried it back inside and closed the door quietly.

i am going to post my favorite stories

from creative writing class 2nd semester. commence!

nothing has changed

ive had the same situations for my entire life
friends, family, money, moving,
all just variations on a theme that come in cycles
the people are different but who they are is always the constant.

EVERYONE is the same as everyone else like them. i let go of someone/thing just to get them again, in a different person/time.

okay so im a lie

i hate change

I'M GOING TO MISS TENNIS SO BAD

drawing a picture

glee leads to motivation which leads to comittment which leads to activity which leads to overstimulation which leads to apathy which leads to reconstruction which leads to fucking up days which leads to repair which leads to teetering contentment which tips either way on any given day of which i am the victim of my own thoughts influencing the sway

strong beams of dedications sliding in different directions and interlocking in semipermanent fixures and rusting in other places clamping me in the center not pulling me but locking me and i try to shift one beam and the rest shift with them, so nothing stays the same if one rafter leaves my life and dissapointed in the direction im going because i will look at it from different eyes and realize im not doing what i should be and will regret it later even though i may be enjoying myself it does not measure proportionally to what you are doing.
the biggest beam doesnt shift and i slide up and down along it in this era influenced by the other shafts around me but always locked inbetween intersections of dedications and motivations that i gently push or pull away as i get older until when im old there will only be two beams left

these are a few of my favorite things

a place where tennis is the way of life and the weather always complies, where your only worry is getting too hot, a place where the actual magic of a huge professional tournament rubs off on the place and you get the inspiration to play your best because you love the sport like your right leg and if you ever had to leave it it would hurt. where you could live off of this one thing for the rest of your life because it gives you everything you need and the only gear your mind has put into drive is to follow the little yellow ball.
-
a place where i can ride my bike in flip flops to the bakery downtown and to the country club for a pick up game and an ice tea outside afterwards, where i can wander the streets alone at eleven at night after dinner at your favorite restaurant and with the culture your an outsider but with the people, they all want to know you. a place where you can trust your neighbor, you can trust your parents, you can even trust yourself and believe that this is all you need and not much more.
-

a/b

a) my life is so different than i think it is sometimes, im really pretty normal. just a little more interesting. whether im dissapointed or not i guess as long as i'm having fun.


b) spring is always change for the last four years its been something challenging and it hurt me and because i am an earth sign...and the natural changes in spring are new, budding, replacements and transitions of flowers plants the baby birds in the nest at my front door...it affects me like it affects the earth, i guess, because nothing will ever be the same each coming spring and i will have to grow like the earth. i am the earth and the closer to it i am the better i will understand but the more i will feel. the effects of loss of promises and security affect my affections and to whom i will give my trust but i'll just throw it up for grabs and it will sink into the earth. not lost but deep rooted and i will never and always be the same person.

you just don't know

i really really really really really need you
step aside from your life a second and just look at me
if you had any idea

sooo cuuuuute

the first few minutes are golden

totally

from astrologyzone.com

Virgo has not had it easy because simultaneously with Uranus' opposition to your Sun, you are also dealing with Saturn on your Sun. If you were born in August, specifically within five days of August 26, you are coping with the heavy responsibilities of Saturn. (Fortunately you are done with Uranus!)

Chances are, you chose the obligations, goals, and commitments that Saturn coaxed you to take on because everything you are doing is new - it is taking a lot of thinking, so at times you may feel exhausted by all life is asking of you. It is a bit like being top chef in a kitchen with many pots boiling on the stove at the same time. You've got to watch all the pots, without becoming distracted, so that none of the food burns - not easy!

On top of all this, you just went through two years of eclipses in Pisces and Virgo (March 2006 to February 2008), which were also difficult placements that also required stiff adjustments. Those eclipses are finished and this series won't be back for nine years. Whew!

The job of an eclipse is to shed new light on a situation. Often after an eclipse has occurred, it seems as though someone switched on the floodlights, and it may all seem quite blinding at first. It's hard to ignore the truth and irrefutable evidence that eclipses bring to light, and often this truth causes a severing of ties.

The eclipses, Saturn and Uranus - all very rare planetary tests, all coming at once - have been a lot for you. So, you might ask, why all this stress? Why does the universe do this to us? Does it serve a purpose? Why does the universe pile on so much?

I have thought about this question a great deal. It seems to me, the people who try the hardest to create things of value in this world and who try to be most helpful to others are invariably the ones that feel these cosmic tests the most. These same people also feel the greatest rewards - the spectrum is simply enlarged. You have had some terribly down days, but have (or soon will) experience some great highs as well. It's all a matter of proportion. People who live within very tight perimeters don't risk anything, don't learn anything, and don't earn many rewards. It all comes together in the same package. Life can be messy, but things really do go toward the good, and we must have faith in that.

and with spring it comes

im staring to remember what in fact genuinley makes me happy. the superficial and half-hearted revivals of my favorite past times have damaged my idea of my happiness and i'm starting to mend it.

click!

what the fuck does "living in the present" or "in the moment" mean anyway?

i got it!

to be as happy as i can be as a fifteen year old
to be as happy as i can be wherever i am

rafa

this exploded me

spring break phase I

story:

thursday morning at 6am i realize, while trying to pack a little before school, i left my tennis racket at the match at volunteer the night before. up until third period im flipping out in epic proportions, until i call coach troupe and he says coach philban has it on the o'dea bus and i can pick it up when they practice at volunteer park at 1:30. so my mom only wants to make it one trip to pick me up and get the racket, so we go to volunteer at 2:30 and no ones there. so, more scrambling continues and i never get my racket back before we leave. and im pissed.

then we had to finish packing in an hour and headed off to the airport. we checked our bags, bought some dinner, and went to the gate. the flight was overbooked, so they asked if there were any volunteers who would take another flight and would get a free nonstop ticket. so my moms like OMG!11!!1 and she strikes up this deal: if we can fly directly into palm springs friday morning at 7am, instead of flying into ontario and having to drive, we would take the free tickets. and also they'd have to get our bags back to us, because we'd be staying in a hotel overnight. so they promise us these things, and we get food and hotel vouchers and what not. i'm waiting, reading right next to the oversize baggage spot for an hour when the people tell me to move. our luggage hasn't come at all and my mom comes back from getting the hotel vouchers and stuff, and tells me they didnt get our bags. i actually flip a shit and drop the f bomb over the institution. so we finally get a shuttle to the comfort suites in tukwila, after buying toiletries from the newstand at the airport (spring break tukwila 08!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!). we have to stay the night there, and catch the shuttle back to the airport at 5:30. but we do get to fly right into palm springs, and two free tickets for a vacation later. so its 9ish by the time we get into our room with our cold sandwiches from 4 hours ago, and they were nasty, so then we had wash our faces with hotel soap and go to sleep in the same clothes. thank god my mom had her make up with her, so in the morning we woke up at 5am, and went back to the airport 30 minutes later.
at the airport, we get past security and want to go the big fancy part of the airport with all the good food, and go to the dish delish place. since we have about $50 in food vouchers from alaska airlines, we not only get breakfast and lunch but i get some green tea mints, chocolate easter almonds and caramels and chocolate covered pears. it counts as food. so then, happy as clams, sans the part about really needing a shower and change of clothes, we walk towards the train to take us to the N gates (and we see maddie on the way, crazy!). once we get off at the N gates, my mom says, wait, what gate are we at again? she looks at the ticket and it says D6. we get back on the train and are both all, thank god we still have like half an hour. so we get to D6 and get in line, realizing about two minutes later its boarding a flight to san fransisco. my mom looks at the departures screen and learns that in fact, the gate was at N like i instinctivley went to, since that was our gate on thursday. my mom says, FUCK, RUN! so she can only run in heels as fast as i can speedwalk in my silver elf shoes, so we get back on the N train and stand about 3 inches away from the door, and im ready to book it. so i get to our gate and ONE last person is boarding and were like phew! were here, don't give our seats away! and they said they already had. and my mom literally just started sobbing and said no, please we have to get on! we went to the wrong gate!!!! ...because we couldnt get in at 4, we would miss the tournament...so literally im like, fuck! and start crying too, and then my moms having an emotional breakdown...but then, two people come off the plane and we go back on and im like AHHHH!!!!! i hope they get all the free tickets they want in the world! so everyones staring at my mom and i when we get on the plane...a) were gross and in the same clothes as yesterday b) we were both crying c) the plane was supposed to leave by the time we got on, basically. so were on the plane and my mom and i are like omg for about ten minutes and then i sleep.
and we get off the plane, and palm springs + pants and cardigan = not best friends, but we get the car and speed off to the house! and then i take a shower and scrub myself to death. and we go to the pacific life open and have the best day ever.

seriously, epic right?

=

free time = free mind

i think too much

-jealously ruins everything
-patience is good
-its hard to tell when its my fault
-school years shouldn't be my measure of social accomplishments

amazing quotes from an amazing memoir

here are quotes that resonated with me like no other from "sleeping where i fall" by peter coyote:

"Confidence can be taught if we can arrange for it to be experienced."
"The Mime Troupe helped me to examine the insufficiencies of liberalism: the generosity towards others that is predictated on first sustaining one's own privledge."
"From within, every culture appears as seamless as a dream...If you accept without question premises of profit and private property and if you pursue those ends, even in the best of faith, then eventually the cultural mall we call America will stand before you, the product of your cumulative efforts."
"Freedom within the relentless pressures of a market-driven society appeared impossible precisely because of its stultifying effects on the imagination in all reaslm but the material."
"From our point of view, freedom involved first liberating the imagination from economic assumptions of profit and private property that demanded existence at the expense of personal truthfulness and honor, then living according to personal authenticity and fidelity to innder directives and impulses."
"An anarchist by temperment..." -commentary: political theory and temperment are the two definitions of anarchy, and temperment is used most commonly to portray the uncivilian and reckless image of anarchy we see today
"She still burns like a sun, and her example informs my anger whenever pundits dismiss the sixties as a playpen for lethargic, self-indulgent people and blame them for today's social problems."
"Freedom forced people to improvise at the edges of their imagination in a common quest for transformation. It was not a bad dream; like eall utopian visions it was rooted in high expectations about what people could accomplish when working in concert."
"But accepting the planet as the most inclusive frame of reference subliminally unites rather than divides people, giving them all equal standing under the sun, and diminishes opportunities for contested space, status differentials, and voilence."
"...Women understood that their lot in life was an arbitrary social convention and not a preordained natural state."
"'Do your own thing made authority impossible, even legitamate authority.' Ron admitted. 'We reacted to false authority, which demeans true authority. True authority is skill, insight, and knowledge.'"
"Richard and Kirby assembled a geodesic dome in what had once been the garden of the main house...[list of people] spent the first winter in that fifteen-foot-diameter dome, which also served as the family kitchen and art studio." -pre-reading this book vision for my future, then reading this was insane
"'Capitalism is dying, boy. It's dying of its own internal contradictions. You think that the revolution's gonna take give years. It's gonna take fifty! So keep your head down and hang in for the long-haul, because I'll tell you something. The sons of bitches running things don't give a shit about theier children or their grandchildren, and they certainly don't give a shit about you! They've paid their dues, and they want to get out with theirs! They're gonna sell off everything thats not nailed down tot the highest bidder. Don't get crushed when it topples down. Take care of yourself and your family. If you can make a difference, do it, but there are huge forces at work here, and they have to play themsleves out according to their own design, not yours. Watch yourself.' As far as I can determine, everything he prophesied has come true." -from his dad
"High ideals and visionary brilliance were no substitute for daily practice grounded in spiritual insight."
"'We were creating a culture instead of creating a life.' -Freeman House"
"'People always tell you who they are. If someone laughs and says, Boy, am I a shit! believe them!' I should have remembered."

that book was amazing, i think coyote and i are parallel souls.

growth

how i understand im not grown up yet
i need people to set things
i cant be alone for the things i will day have to be
guidance
friends influence me
i cling
outbursts
too much change
i think about candy a lot
deadlines hurt
exceedingly jealous for someone who prides herself in trying not to be so
easily swayed in my opinions of others
i still have to brag sometimes
eat too much candy

i like, pt I

i like
cardigans
watercolors
good hair
[my] curly hair
good hair days
good facial hair
cable knit socks
the color of coral
the new marc by mj ads with MIA
neighborhood strips
staying out forever
playing tennis every day
ice wine in multitudes
my friends cars
neptune
text messaging
the vera project
high fives
far fetched crushinz
wes anderson movies
hello kitty guitar picks
having tea expertise
baking
what i think greece would look like
lists
flipping a shit over not too much
pets
good pictures of me
when people think i'm funny
other people i think that're funny
befriending your friends
being your friend
having in actuality a lot of friends


what's wrong with having no point if it don't harm nobody?

so much for the organ.

my soul still longs for its musical counterpart that is a hammond organ, but there are so many records that just came out i can barely keep it in my pants.
kay kay LP
fleet foxes EP
pharmacy EP
shiz man, thats already a considerable chunk of my paycheck for project numero uno from last month. damn.

only eighteen days until paradise!

PALM SPRINGS, CALIFORNIA/
INDIAN WELLS TENNIS GARDEN
PACIFIC LIFE OPEN 2008


my dreams coming true for reals.
2.5 weeks.

root of the problem

i need some things to be forever. people, places, ideas can come and go because thats inevitable and can't ever stay as a fact of life. but the things i run on, the light that i run on, some people will call this happiness but i think its something very far beyond and very deep embedded inside me naturally, it can't go. its catalyst by the things in my external world that i love, but recently i haven't been able to get myself going again. in recent months i've literally have handfuls of dreams come true for me, i've accomplished a lot and experienced many great people and particularly beautiful events. but nothing would get me to feel. it honestly scared the shit out of me, and even though some other factors have aided to this falling-into-a-hole like era, i knew i had to be the one to get myself out of it. i found solace in studying astrology, trying to understand myself better and many pieces of information in there i was already aware of, but i relied so hard on it to tell me what was going to be true i forgot that the planets can't decide everything. they influence but i'm the ultimate decider. several nights, including yesterday, were climaxes of my self-pity and confusion. i was scared going to healing places like walla walla and shows and making art wouldn't have any effect on me after all, that this winter had numbed me and cut me off from what i gush over in my best of times. the sunshine helped a little, but i needed something more. i just supplemented this with hope for tomorrow. and today i woke up and made the decision to lead my own life again. my horoscopes today (even if from an iffy source, i felt it to be true) brought me tears of joy:
Obey any and all creative impulses you have today -- and don't censor yourself! It's good for your ego to raise a few eyebrows now and again, so embrace the attention you get when you hit the streets in a creative ensemble or sing along to the radio at the top of your lungs while you're driving to work. Splash out unusually today, and you will be sure to have an unusual day! If you really want to capture someone's attention, you need to add your artistic flair.
&
An old friendship might be moving into a phase of reawakening. Someone from your past is back on the scene, and they are looking for some helpful insight from you. This opportunity to get involved in their life is going to bring a smile to your face. Their unique view on the world is something you have been missing for a while, and it's a wonderful feeling to have it back again. People come and go in life. Celebrate it when someone returns!

i think i'll come back in full force soon enough. this hibernation of feeling, even though painful, is a good thing to happen to me. when nothing else can help, i'm the one that has to fix myself. its not her fault, its not his fault, its not the fault of mercury retrograde, in the end it is me. i've had these realizations inside of me this whole time, but been too worried to reflect upon them. i'm relieved i can be again.

the miracle cure!

its amazing what a little bit of creativity and sunshine can do to me. after all i kind of am a ball of energy encompassing those two things, so i guess i feed off of em anyway.

waking up and reading a book for an hour
another sunny day
french toast and a shitload of blueberries
watercolor-ing of tulips and, soon enough, a patchwork house
a playlist that i made on the last road trip to walla walla
missing everything but not in a way that depresses me, for once!
and i will be playing tennis soon enough.

a supplement of summertime. i'm so dependent on the simpliest things.

poems from late '07

one name
were nothing but one species on this planet
all brothers in sisters strung together by birth
and we need sustainability, we need something
to keep for the people that come after us
as our parents try to do for us in their unconcious
as an instinct that of which we've nearly killed
we've buried whats really real
excuses for destruction, nothing but shame
why cant the people realize that were all the same
in the way that were living in the same place
same time, same human race
unity needs to happen if were going to survive
be together under one sky without our meaningless grudges
excuses to fight, there arent any plausible
there just our problems with ourselves put on others
respect is what is lacking, how can we open our eyes
to our struggling sisters if the mask of ignorance covers our sight
theres so much more than us, theres 6 billion of us
confused, enlightened, depressed, ready for change
but were really all the same
its just under one name and that is unity

side note
the universe is finally spitting back all the energy
we've fed into it since the origination of ignorance
leaders have blocked out the signals she has given us
choosing to ignore how to fix things
to sustain what we have and grow as a human race
now as so much is finally falling apart
people are beginning to listen but still placed under
their own nervous restraints, scared to make even the slightest ripple
in a society that just pushes down
but we'll push back

I: a message on discrimination
there is no such thing as race, sex, age
just human created concepts to organize people
that could be useful but were cruelly exploited
for years beyond our capable measure
as people we like to organize, sort, distinct
this from that, him from her, high from low
when they are all in truth, equal in the simplest of ways
we're all just variations on a theme,
unique individuals to prove the one common truth

II: a message on potential
we're all just variations on a theme,
unique individuals to prove the one common truth
in our own ways, if we choose to own up to them
if we can discover what they are
what tools have we been given
to reflect the universe's pureness
onto the world we live on today?
lead the way and some people will follow
we can only act to progress to the day
when everyone will admit they will follow

THE day
the true success of the human race will come
on the day were every single human being
can shake hands with one another and say
in all honest truth and sincerity
"i love you, brother"

disclaimer to universe
i may not live this every day
but im trying hardest to find a way
to remind myself of whats real
in a world thats discovered how to distort this
even from birth, permeated in our minds
until the day when we wake up from it
for me, this day is the day
that i can say that im trying

sidenote

i think bad beer is one of the worst inventions of man kind.

favorite new / new favorite record

GRAND ARCHIVES!
their in store at sonic boom ballard was beautiful! their sound live is amazing. i'm upset i won't be able to see them tomorrow at the triple door because that would be the sweetest thing. but this record is like, the ideal record of my life right now. so good.

a list of guarantees in life:

death

artistry

i have too much reserve to be a real artist. anything i want to create has to have some relevance, not always a purpose but just relevance. a lot of times when i'm in the best mood to create i'm very lazy. this is verrry much like right now, but i think its because my head feels like its shrinking (not metaphorically, just closing in slowly). i want to paint watercolors now, actually, because it barely takes half the time to set up as any oil or acrylic adventure of mine would but i don't have any these days. i would draw but i don't want anything as fine or specific as what drawing requires. my minds not even sharp enough for my pencil. i want the blurs of watercolors. i took some pictures with my diana today, which might turn out fun because i like how casual she is and how the pictures do what they want, not do what i want.
i think the final verdict is that i'm going to go read. i have library due dates looming near anyways. this mood might be a good one for recieving information.

disorientation

i feel sick like i purged everything out of my system and my mind is uncomfortable. i'm not sure where i want to go and i can't make decisions. nothing is left from what i let go and i want to get them back. im out of my own groove and i can't figure out how to get back into it. i can't do much. all i can do is wait.

well that sums it up

barack obama

was more than worth
skipping class at the last minute
being on a crowded bus stuck in traffic on denny
getting off the bus very early to get to the rally
accidentally cutting in line
cancellation of my guitar lesson for the second time in a row
a 20 minute bus ride + unbelieveable traffic = 1.5 hour bus ride back to school
walking home in the rain from my bus stop
but obama was worth it because he is a very wise man, honest politician, understanding person, and i swear to god the next president. i can't see any other way. he has soul.

but good karma, yo. risks pay off:
got a seat on the bus both times
sitting next to cool people on the bus
getting a fantastic seat and finding a familiar face
mom was proud, dad a little bit but hes a stout republican so he cant empathize as well
the locker room was open an hour after it usually is locked up
48 came hella quick

i am very proud.

like nothin else

reasons to keep on keepin' on

last night involved:

-getting a perfect seat at the nada surf show, thanks to chona
-meowing, with chona too
-going to the triple door for the first time, falling into infatuation with it
-seeing nada surf, above all
-matthew caws remembering my face
-dancing onstage, thanks to anna, without her i would have the biggest case of self-conciousness ever
-dancing in the audience
-fulfilling my teenager dreemz
-finding out one of my biggest artistic inspirations and loves, autumn de wilde, purchased one of my headbands! extra emphasis there...
-getting the full art copy of lucky and seeing part of my entry in there
-seeing people i know and love
-almost crying out of happiness
-falling asleep to lucky

pitiful.

theres nothing like a little self-induced heartbreak to whip you back in shape!

philosophy on philosophy on philosophy

philosophy makes me want to rip my heart out. simplicity is more complicated that i think it is and tenfold more difficult to achieve, even in ideology let alone the physical world. im going to study it for a while, i'm assuming, then maybe i'll have a few for myself, perfectly packaged and without personal conflictions or contradictions. but for now, its a little bit excrutiating...

cheif sealth

Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one
thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to
ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect.

-Chief Seattle

seperation

the separation between the natural human experience and what we know today as modern society has been widely growing since the beginning of recorded history, and in the "western world" we've been falling into it only to catch illuminated glimpses of either side: the possibilities modern global growth holds, or how great it was back in the good old days of barbaric freedom.

this gap is not a balance between the two, but rather a falling away from the true potentials each condition holds. its not anti-civilization against social structure in our real conscience: we all want the conveniences and short cuts of modern living but i think even more most of us want fulfillment, and i think fulfillment of life lies somewhere above that gap we're nuzzling deeper into every minute, stable and clear. some "technologies" we've taken too far and the others we ha vent taken far enough. a prime example is modern medicine: shouldn't its motive be to protect the lives of those who have so much more to live out? the young and ambitious that are suffering from diseases and disabilities that hamper their individual growth, and they get an answer from their doctor that stomps on all hope of normal survival; when grandpa at 84 is down the hall in the cancer ward getting radiation treatment for a cancer he's had for years and is ready to leave his body? what a waste of doctors, supplies, medicines, energy! we've been separated from the nature of death, convinced that with medicine we can be invincible and immortal. but why would anyone want to be? why are we so scared of leaving? in all honesty, i've found in my experiences that those who are living unfulfilling and unsatisfying lives are the ones that are truly afraid of dying.

in our unconsciously confused state of mind, we redefined what it is to be normal - to go against many of our instincts, to dull our impulses and stifle our creativity. when in fact what is normal is intuition, it is to do whats best for ourselves and in that pursuit do whats best for others. for instance, why in america is there so much resistance against eating healthily? why is dieting a common concept, why was it even created at all? a human beings natural, normal instinct is to "exercise" and "eat right". healthy living has become such a burden because we're continuously separated from the origins of our need to eat and run. its to replace something we tried to replace before when nothing of our natural human state needed replacing at all...

wow, this is old!

its funny i was thinking this way in june. i guess by this time, school was still in and my life was in a post-rocky times position. recovering, reflecting. however some of my reflecting is kind of irrelevant of the situation. this stings, though.
anyways, here is an old ramble-essay:


The times when I felt the most, when I couldn’t contain my excitement or when I felt so much pain I had to hide, they are like a scar in my brain that will always be there. The details have been blurred and the facts have been forgotten but I can clearly recall my feelings.
I don’t remember how my logic was the day I thanked Bill Whitman for everything he gave me. I don’t remember if I tried not to cry, or if I tried to compose myself. I remember crying, and emma dragging me wailing to the bathroom. I don’t remember how I got to sobbing on the phone hours after I heard about eric, when it just hit me, I just hung up the phone and had to shut down. When I was in Kansas city, that’s just a faint memory at this point. But there has only been one more rare occasion, the one listed above, where I have ached any more. I don’t remember how I passed my days or how my thoughts went. But I felt like dying. I did, in a way. But something was born in replacement, and I could experience.
The memories in my mind of the best times of my life, I remember how I felt exactly. I got so happy my jaw chattered and I got a high squeaky voice from being excited. They helped me grow as much as the tragic times did. I learned what was important to me, what made me tick, my reason for existence essentially. I found what I loved and another piece of the puzzle was found. I’d chronicle each moment in my mind, each little event that made my heart flutter a bit; it was just all the bits of reality that added up to my feeling. The reality that translated into honest happiness in my mind. Many nights I’d come home and I swear to god, I could have died happy right then. I hope when I do get to die, its going to be in one of those moments. I want to set myself up for that situation, I always want to be in a life that to me means that I can leave it knowing I had everything I needed. Of course I will always have more than I need, but the consciousness to realize that all the time is just so hard to summon, I think for everyone. It’s a struggle to be happy with what one has. Everyone can be happy. My life is wonderful – I’m honestly free of hardships. But with things like death and change and hurting and stress that pop up in my life its so hard to see this.
Growing up is learning to let go. But in this process I found that one can only experience pure, true happiness after they have felt real sadness, real anger. Up until the summer of my 12th-going-on-13th year I had never felt like that before, like I was losing so much I could never get back. But after that, when I was open to more feeling, when things were going great and carefree, I knew what bliss felt like. That’s when I realized, I didn’t have to try to feel. Feeling comes. You can’t stop it, you can’t start it.

very awesome

name meanings

http://www.behindthename.com/name/dylan
http://www.ancestry.com/facts/rupert-name-meaning.ashx?fn=dylan&yr=

i think the whole "of the sea" thing relates to my nautical obsessions. how amazing!

i'd say what seems to be an overwhelming majority

of prominent public figures who truly had something to say in the 1960s were killed by a gunshot.

my utopian educational future

college hopes, dreams, all here. in a handy guide to the insights of my educational future, granted im awarded thousands of dollars in beautiful, beautiful scholarship money and i get into the brown/rhode island school of design degree program.
providence here i come.

behold, the five-year formal learning experience of my dreams,
THE RISD/BROWN DUAL DEGREE PROGRAM!
http://www.risd.edu/campus_initiatives_brown.htm

BROWN: philosiphy
what interests me is philisophical LOGIC!!! oh my god. and political, language, ethics, and metaphysics fascinate me too. but logic just pushes my buttons.
http://gradschool.brown.edu/index.php?progid=1110482545

RISD: graphic design, of course!
its what i was born to do and currently i've been inspired to make the world better with it. design anarchy by kalle lasn is inspiring and reinforcing.
http://www.risd.edu/graphic.cfm

new years goals

discover bob dylan
make more good friendships
fall in love with something other than a song or season
find a bike riding buddy
make the tennis team
improve upon my vinyl collection
complain less
stop letting small events get me down

new art venture

at least for my personal artistic development in two mediums. i doubt i'll be selling these.
illustration and diana photograph companions. most likely ink illustrations that match whatever i shoot with my diana camera. the film will be black and white and the drawings will be black ink white paper, unless it is a very dark photograph in which i might consider using grey.

another idea to pursue is short stories, illustrated by photographs bound in small hardcover books. the good thing about that too, would be that it would flex my graphic design skills, at least in typography.

i'm becoming interested in illustrations that use more shadows and lines to create figures than simply drawing what one sees. something about aboriginal art has inspired me. dot paintings are really visually satisfying to me for some reason, but there was one huge painting at the SAM that i really liked, it was billions of white feather-like strokes on black.

i miss christmas!

i miss it really bad. christmas was semi loners and i want a REAL one again! wahhh.

i love cats.