root of the problem

i need some things to be forever. people, places, ideas can come and go because thats inevitable and can't ever stay as a fact of life. but the things i run on, the light that i run on, some people will call this happiness but i think its something very far beyond and very deep embedded inside me naturally, it can't go. its catalyst by the things in my external world that i love, but recently i haven't been able to get myself going again. in recent months i've literally have handfuls of dreams come true for me, i've accomplished a lot and experienced many great people and particularly beautiful events. but nothing would get me to feel. it honestly scared the shit out of me, and even though some other factors have aided to this falling-into-a-hole like era, i knew i had to be the one to get myself out of it. i found solace in studying astrology, trying to understand myself better and many pieces of information in there i was already aware of, but i relied so hard on it to tell me what was going to be true i forgot that the planets can't decide everything. they influence but i'm the ultimate decider. several nights, including yesterday, were climaxes of my self-pity and confusion. i was scared going to healing places like walla walla and shows and making art wouldn't have any effect on me after all, that this winter had numbed me and cut me off from what i gush over in my best of times. the sunshine helped a little, but i needed something more. i just supplemented this with hope for tomorrow. and today i woke up and made the decision to lead my own life again. my horoscopes today (even if from an iffy source, i felt it to be true) brought me tears of joy:
Obey any and all creative impulses you have today -- and don't censor yourself! It's good for your ego to raise a few eyebrows now and again, so embrace the attention you get when you hit the streets in a creative ensemble or sing along to the radio at the top of your lungs while you're driving to work. Splash out unusually today, and you will be sure to have an unusual day! If you really want to capture someone's attention, you need to add your artistic flair.
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An old friendship might be moving into a phase of reawakening. Someone from your past is back on the scene, and they are looking for some helpful insight from you. This opportunity to get involved in their life is going to bring a smile to your face. Their unique view on the world is something you have been missing for a while, and it's a wonderful feeling to have it back again. People come and go in life. Celebrate it when someone returns!

i think i'll come back in full force soon enough. this hibernation of feeling, even though painful, is a good thing to happen to me. when nothing else can help, i'm the one that has to fix myself. its not her fault, its not his fault, its not the fault of mercury retrograde, in the end it is me. i've had these realizations inside of me this whole time, but been too worried to reflect upon them. i'm relieved i can be again.