root of the problem

i need some things to be forever. people, places, ideas can come and go because thats inevitable and can't ever stay as a fact of life. but the things i run on, the light that i run on, some people will call this happiness but i think its something very far beyond and very deep embedded inside me naturally, it can't go. its catalyst by the things in my external world that i love, but recently i haven't been able to get myself going again. in recent months i've literally have handfuls of dreams come true for me, i've accomplished a lot and experienced many great people and particularly beautiful events. but nothing would get me to feel. it honestly scared the shit out of me, and even though some other factors have aided to this falling-into-a-hole like era, i knew i had to be the one to get myself out of it. i found solace in studying astrology, trying to understand myself better and many pieces of information in there i was already aware of, but i relied so hard on it to tell me what was going to be true i forgot that the planets can't decide everything. they influence but i'm the ultimate decider. several nights, including yesterday, were climaxes of my self-pity and confusion. i was scared going to healing places like walla walla and shows and making art wouldn't have any effect on me after all, that this winter had numbed me and cut me off from what i gush over in my best of times. the sunshine helped a little, but i needed something more. i just supplemented this with hope for tomorrow. and today i woke up and made the decision to lead my own life again. my horoscopes today (even if from an iffy source, i felt it to be true) brought me tears of joy:
Obey any and all creative impulses you have today -- and don't censor yourself! It's good for your ego to raise a few eyebrows now and again, so embrace the attention you get when you hit the streets in a creative ensemble or sing along to the radio at the top of your lungs while you're driving to work. Splash out unusually today, and you will be sure to have an unusual day! If you really want to capture someone's attention, you need to add your artistic flair.
&
An old friendship might be moving into a phase of reawakening. Someone from your past is back on the scene, and they are looking for some helpful insight from you. This opportunity to get involved in their life is going to bring a smile to your face. Their unique view on the world is something you have been missing for a while, and it's a wonderful feeling to have it back again. People come and go in life. Celebrate it when someone returns!

i think i'll come back in full force soon enough. this hibernation of feeling, even though painful, is a good thing to happen to me. when nothing else can help, i'm the one that has to fix myself. its not her fault, its not his fault, its not the fault of mercury retrograde, in the end it is me. i've had these realizations inside of me this whole time, but been too worried to reflect upon them. i'm relieved i can be again.

the miracle cure!

its amazing what a little bit of creativity and sunshine can do to me. after all i kind of am a ball of energy encompassing those two things, so i guess i feed off of em anyway.

waking up and reading a book for an hour
another sunny day
french toast and a shitload of blueberries
watercolor-ing of tulips and, soon enough, a patchwork house
a playlist that i made on the last road trip to walla walla
missing everything but not in a way that depresses me, for once!
and i will be playing tennis soon enough.

a supplement of summertime. i'm so dependent on the simpliest things.

poems from late '07

one name
were nothing but one species on this planet
all brothers in sisters strung together by birth
and we need sustainability, we need something
to keep for the people that come after us
as our parents try to do for us in their unconcious
as an instinct that of which we've nearly killed
we've buried whats really real
excuses for destruction, nothing but shame
why cant the people realize that were all the same
in the way that were living in the same place
same time, same human race
unity needs to happen if were going to survive
be together under one sky without our meaningless grudges
excuses to fight, there arent any plausible
there just our problems with ourselves put on others
respect is what is lacking, how can we open our eyes
to our struggling sisters if the mask of ignorance covers our sight
theres so much more than us, theres 6 billion of us
confused, enlightened, depressed, ready for change
but were really all the same
its just under one name and that is unity

side note
the universe is finally spitting back all the energy
we've fed into it since the origination of ignorance
leaders have blocked out the signals she has given us
choosing to ignore how to fix things
to sustain what we have and grow as a human race
now as so much is finally falling apart
people are beginning to listen but still placed under
their own nervous restraints, scared to make even the slightest ripple
in a society that just pushes down
but we'll push back

I: a message on discrimination
there is no such thing as race, sex, age
just human created concepts to organize people
that could be useful but were cruelly exploited
for years beyond our capable measure
as people we like to organize, sort, distinct
this from that, him from her, high from low
when they are all in truth, equal in the simplest of ways
we're all just variations on a theme,
unique individuals to prove the one common truth

II: a message on potential
we're all just variations on a theme,
unique individuals to prove the one common truth
in our own ways, if we choose to own up to them
if we can discover what they are
what tools have we been given
to reflect the universe's pureness
onto the world we live on today?
lead the way and some people will follow
we can only act to progress to the day
when everyone will admit they will follow

THE day
the true success of the human race will come
on the day were every single human being
can shake hands with one another and say
in all honest truth and sincerity
"i love you, brother"

disclaimer to universe
i may not live this every day
but im trying hardest to find a way
to remind myself of whats real
in a world thats discovered how to distort this
even from birth, permeated in our minds
until the day when we wake up from it
for me, this day is the day
that i can say that im trying

sidenote

i think bad beer is one of the worst inventions of man kind.

favorite new / new favorite record

GRAND ARCHIVES!
their in store at sonic boom ballard was beautiful! their sound live is amazing. i'm upset i won't be able to see them tomorrow at the triple door because that would be the sweetest thing. but this record is like, the ideal record of my life right now. so good.

a list of guarantees in life:

death

artistry

i have too much reserve to be a real artist. anything i want to create has to have some relevance, not always a purpose but just relevance. a lot of times when i'm in the best mood to create i'm very lazy. this is verrry much like right now, but i think its because my head feels like its shrinking (not metaphorically, just closing in slowly). i want to paint watercolors now, actually, because it barely takes half the time to set up as any oil or acrylic adventure of mine would but i don't have any these days. i would draw but i don't want anything as fine or specific as what drawing requires. my minds not even sharp enough for my pencil. i want the blurs of watercolors. i took some pictures with my diana today, which might turn out fun because i like how casual she is and how the pictures do what they want, not do what i want.
i think the final verdict is that i'm going to go read. i have library due dates looming near anyways. this mood might be a good one for recieving information.

disorientation

i feel sick like i purged everything out of my system and my mind is uncomfortable. i'm not sure where i want to go and i can't make decisions. nothing is left from what i let go and i want to get them back. im out of my own groove and i can't figure out how to get back into it. i can't do much. all i can do is wait.

well that sums it up

barack obama

was more than worth
skipping class at the last minute
being on a crowded bus stuck in traffic on denny
getting off the bus very early to get to the rally
accidentally cutting in line
cancellation of my guitar lesson for the second time in a row
a 20 minute bus ride + unbelieveable traffic = 1.5 hour bus ride back to school
walking home in the rain from my bus stop
but obama was worth it because he is a very wise man, honest politician, understanding person, and i swear to god the next president. i can't see any other way. he has soul.

but good karma, yo. risks pay off:
got a seat on the bus both times
sitting next to cool people on the bus
getting a fantastic seat and finding a familiar face
mom was proud, dad a little bit but hes a stout republican so he cant empathize as well
the locker room was open an hour after it usually is locked up
48 came hella quick

i am very proud.

like nothin else